Social Construction- What is normal?

Greetings to everyone!
I hope that this message finds everyone in good health.
I have been really happy lately, and have been enjoying the quiet, New England winter weather. It's so beautful outside. I have gotten inspired by the rays of the sun, the relfection of the snow and the solitude. I have created so much romaniticism. I hope to feel this way forever.
I was inspired by Will Ferrell's beautiful singing in "Por Ti." I began to sing it this afternoon, while I was cleaning up in the kitchen at my faher's office after lunch. As I went out of the room and I went an octave higher, my older sister commented saying "You sound so weird," (since it was sudden). "People are going to think you're weird and not hang with you." She has been saying this to me about my behavior. The way I present myself. Every time we hang out, there is always something that she needs to criticize about me. The other night, when I went to my brother in laws mother's house (my sister's husband), I was just passionatly talking about diseases and how they "breed" around college campuses, since there are so many people (yes meningitis-- I was reading online about how this 1 year old girl in New Zealand developed it, and she had to get all of her apendages amputated). I was going to bring up the story about the little girl from New Zealand who had meningitis and ask how she got it (I mean I did not get my meningitis vaccination until I was 18, and I will probably be having children someday, and I would not like for them to get meningitis, so I want to do my best to prevent them from getting it). I always get very energetic, inquisitive and happy when I talk about something that I am inquisitive about.
My older sister saw me getting hyper. She then said lightly whispered, "That's enough Steph, stop monopolizing teh conversation." This was the last thing that I was going to talk about.
Earlier that same day, my father decided to take Charlotte and I out for lunch. I had just seen a really interesting show on the travel channel. One of the episodes was about all of these really unique ice cream shops across the US. Another episode was about steak shops. The other was about donuts (and it turns out that one of them they showed is located in Massachusetts, just right outside of Boston! :D). Here are the links to them if you are interested:
http://www.travelchannel.com/Travel_Ideas/Food_and_Wine/Ice_Cream_Paradise

http://www.travelchannel.com/Travel_Ideas/Food_and_Wine/Donut_Paradise


http://www.travelchannel.com/Travel_Ideas/Food_and_Wine/ci.Steak_Paradise.artTravelIdeasFmt?vgnextfmt=artTravelIdeasFmt

Anyways, I began to tell my father and my little sister about how much I loved the show and how I would love to check out some of these restaurants. Instead, my father and my sister both get annoyed, and tell me to stop talking. I really can't bear to stand that I can't even have a good conversation about something that I like. Most conversations with me are keeping out of trouble and making sure I stay afloat.
But back to my older sister Sharon. She then claimed that my singing makes other people feel uncomfortable, and made an analogy of my singing to someone getting undressed in public. This to me sounded ludacris. Getting undressed in public and singing out of the blue are polar opposites. I was not, have not and WILL NOT let her try to her anyone else think that what I am doing is socially unacceptable. To tell me that I am acting weird is socially constructed--created by someone with power, wanting society to immitate how they act.
Well what is normal? Normal is a state of mind. It's socially constructed. It's how you perceive the world. But the older I get, I come to realize that NO ONE is normal. So I almost feel like laughing when she tells me that I need to start acting normal. I've come to the point in my life wher I don't care what others think of me (with the exception of politics-- but then politics all comes down to the relationship between leaders, people with power-- not representative of myself nor anything that I have done in this life). I have goals, passions and love for myself, others and the world around me. I am positive-- I am not going to let someone's perception of me put me down. I am who I am-- if someone is not going to accept for who I am, then that' THEIR problem NOT mine. But even so, I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who was not going to accept certain parts of me.
People get to caught up on the little things.
I think the most important things that we should concentrate on are how peopel treat others and the earth; do they love others; can they learn to understand other people's pain? Do they go out to help others? End injustices?!
Now these are the things that matter. Not frettering over what is "normal."

Saddened to be a closed chapter in his life

Alive 
euphoria 
uplifting my mind 
thinking thoughts that were lost forever
they come to pages that you thought 
never existed 
charcoal through an existence 
the soul was never me 
I am a slave of reality 
my soul is lost, since I am a product 
it died several years ago
repetitive thought reflections of the brain
brain piano tapping 
clanging aliteration
rickus in me 
each heart beat a note 
for my heart is nothing but the lonely echo 
crying out load 
the fire cooking 
dinner is inside. don't come to close existance bites 
erractic core eats 
the basemnet where we belong 
for I burn 
tiger 
won't cease the power
for the power was never displayed 
the insides burned with a torch
for everything is now yours 
the appearance distance 
no one there 
spirit lost 
confusion won
the bear went home 
to nuzzle with itself 
only to find out that honey didn't exist anymore
for I am not apart of your future 
someone else is 
and I wonder if they no know about me 
and how fate was purpusley made to avoid me 
even when I wanted 
trust all sealed 
ripped but glue together 
recollection to my past 
THE machines bleak out styrofoam 
the same sounds are the same shits that you make for everyone else 
so it's all bullshit when you tell me that I am special 
I just want to fly 
Live life off the airplane 
Forget my fears 
be who I am I was wont' none won ... was one 
I want to bake your heart 
stich ¥øu from the storm 

I can't speak of anger because 
my heart cries out 
for I need to look out 
the weak and the breaved is not me 
For the heros have come 

I am on Mont Everset for I am number one, and am not ashamed to say it 
With the fist on top of myself
the world 
happy to be who I am for once in my life

Te amo

Billy Corgan Seven Questions

I am so happy!
I found my favorite video interview, with my favorite singer, Billy Corgan.
He brings up several golden rules which many people in today's world keep forgetting about. One was how people in today's world can't even do anything good to one another. If we have forgotten how to do the simple things of love and kindness, then what has today's world become?

Here is the video:

http://noolmusic.com/myspace_videos/billy_corgan_-_seven_questions.php


Love always,
Stephanie Terra

This is a test

This is just a test to see how well I write  my thoughts on the computer. Why is it that we write better when it is on paper? I avoided using e-mail for the longest time, since I felt that letter writing was becoming a lost art. But now I think that it serves me well that  I don’t ask for a friend’s address when I first meet them.  Since I hang out with sketchy people (and when I want to exchange information about certain political events, issues, etc), it’s probably a good idea to keep it just to e-mail. I don’t want people trying to stalk me (especially at my parent’s house). Speaking of y parents’ house, I  reflect back to how I  have been complaining to my mother about living in Worcester, and when will she plan to move. She keeps telling me “when the prices in the housing market go down.” I can’t believe how much a jerk I have been to my parents. I  live in a beautiful house, almost a hundred years; I have my own bedroom; my own lap top; my own bike; I have the opportunity to go own trips. I  am a lot more priveledged than my older brother and older sister, and I really resent it greatly that I have been given so much, that I feel that I most be traveling during certain times of the year. I was reading  one of my brother’s letters to my mother, thanking her for the money he gave to him, and pleaded for not to pay any more money claiming that the “heating bills most be very high.” He then sympathized with my mother about the situation in Israel, the Second Intifada. He  loathed Clinton’s  idea that both sides are guilty, and that we need to “find a common ground.”  He said that there is any (the Palestinian extremists) and we need to fight them off. What I have noticed that with Republicans, they have a mind set of seeing the world as “good and evil,” like the war against  good and evil. He went on about how

I keep distracted from writing on here, since all I want to do is look at pictures (photos that  I have taken).

 

 

 Aww the childhood reminiscence. I am listening to Spider webs by No Doubt. This song brings back memories  back in the 90s, when it make me really excited about being a teenager. I wish I still felt that way now. I hate how politics dominates my mind. I think of when I always wanted to go to California. I think that my first trip to England should have been when I was 9 or 10. That would  have been the perfect age. I was obsessed British men, their sexy accents. All of this initiated when  I became in love with John Lennon, after sitting next to his picture at the Hard Rock Café in New York. I remember coming in EXTREMELY hungry to NYC (since all I had to eat was raisins in the car, and I had been driving in the car with my father for 4 hours. I remember being really excited returning to NYC, since earlier that week I went there to drop Sharon off for her accepted students overnight at  Barnard College.

 And then there was the Austin Powers movie. I remember seeing the adds for the movie on the television, and being so excited to see the film. I knew that I needed to see this film, after seeing Mike Myer’s sexy  British accent,

   Something smells like spoiled milk on Hawaiian airlines.  I just came to realize how much I miss being a teenager and a child. Being twenty sucks. There are literally no social opportunities when I go out back home in Worcester, since the majority of the rock concerts you have to be either twenty and 

       I miss that really cute surfer dude that I met at  “Down to Earth” grocery store  out in Honolulu, I really liked his generic surfer voice, and dark skin. I asked him if he was a college student, and told me “Nawww.. I surf and that’s my life.” I asked him if he was Hawaiian, and he told me that

 

 I don’t feel as excited listening to these songs that I am listening to, as I used to. Madonna’s “Get into the Groove”  used to make me soo hyper, wishing that I had a jeep, and while I was listening to it, I would get out of  jeep, in a bikini with a cute boy friend, and  walking out into the sand with a surf board  on some beach in southern California.  

Love is not existant

Why is it that love does not exist?

Why do we romanicize about it?

It felt like it was the one soul thing that I lived for- breathed for— fate for me was destined for it

 You wait hours, days, months, years, lifetimes in that castle waiting for prince charming to arrive on horseback. But don’t dwell on it, because prince charming does not exist.

He only exists in our imaginiation.

The poison apple, consumed. Thoughts drowned…

  She was Edie Sedjewick….only wishing her Andy Warhol would love her……

What is the thing labrynth? The brain decays when hope has given up

 I had to conform to society- trust me, it was not my choice, but I had to in order to get on with my life. I am now a product of this disgusting society. I am not true to myself anymore

 I have lost myself. The leaves keep falling down, foiliating

With you, I felt that I was transcending. I was not becoming drained by this world. I could go to something new. 

Anything and anyone that reminds me of you puts me in complete bliss—every time I see a person that reminds me of you, please know that I  get a lump in my throat

I refuse to succumb to any man, because they are all the same. They are all animals. I never listen to them, because all they want to do is just one thing.

Thinking about reality is committing suicide.

 

The pain of a picture

The pain of a picture 

life smashes into pieces as the heart was thought to be one

but was not 

no more oxygen for me 

I can't think about it

I half smile since I love you

but  I can never let you know that  I love you

no never, since that only scares men off 

no one knows the answers

wish the brain wasn't that vulnerable oh well 

becomming washed up in the ebb and flow of the world

reality becomes choke

the silent, screaching pain that we never wanna hear

My struggless with my learning disability + OCD and how it lead me towards creating a mental health awareness/learning/diability rights

Hi everyone!
So this past year, I (along with two friends) started a group at Hampshire called, the Mental Health Awareness/Learning Disability/Disability Rights group after a number of reasons. Both from personal experience, and to educate the community and the world about an issue that is not brought up enough
I have struggled with a learning disability all of my life. I was diagnosed with nonverbal learning disability in kindergarten, I was held back a year in school because of it. To this day, my parents still do not have concrete evidence as to why I was held back (besides the learning disability) and for several years greatly resented it. Several of my classmates would make fun of me because I was older than them. It was hard to make friends, since I was a year older than them, and was experiencing things that they had not. Whenever I struggled in school, my father would yell and give up all of his faith in me and say, "I don't care-- she can just go learn a trade." (Now having a trade or a vocation is not bad, but it would just mean doing the same repetitive things over and over again). My learning disability, dealt with a lot of developmental issues. I would pronounce words wrong and would need to see a speech pathologist, in which I would be embarrisginly pulled out of class. I don't understand why children with a learning disability should be taken out of class for speech therapy, since it only would hinder me more. The speech pathologist would takes notes on me and evaluate, and I never got to see them. I feel that children should be able to see the notes and evaluations written about them, even if they do not understand them.
But the only other alternative was seeing tutors after school, which I hated, since it took away from my free time. One thing that I would like to do is find a way in which learning disability specialists could somehow integrate their therapies + help for the children in class, so there would not be any embarressment leaving class.

Fastforward to high school. I am an honors student, taking mostly honors courses. I feel pressure to be like my older sister, who graduated number 5 in a class of 300, and got a perfect score of an 800 on the SATs. My goal is to go to a very prestigious college. I am hoping Smith College, Brown (since my father went there), or maybe Harvard if I am lucky. I have never worked so hard in school. I am placed in a special ed class for one period of the day, mostly with inner city students who were probably placed there for behavioral or racist reasons + were not receiving the help that they were getting (all the teachers were doing was "babysitting" them and then sending them to the principle's office-- where were all the psychologists and the real help that they needed?!) . When I ask my special ed teacher what I can do to get into a prestigous college, he keeps telling me "you're the only that does your work. you have nothing to worry about," is the redundant response that I would get from him (mind you half of the kids are making fun of me, calling me nerd and throwing spit balls on my head).
I wanted to go to a prestigous college, since I wanted to be a role model for other kids with learning disabilities, and prove to them that they could go to a good college as well. I was (and still am) hoping to create a learning disability support group/organization to help students with learning disabilities apply to colleges.
It really angered me how there were scholarships for people of minority groups, low income classes, international students, but NONE for people with Learning Disabilities. It angers me how the Disability Rights movement is the least known out of all of the Civil Rights movements. My goal is to get my current school, Hampshire College, to get a scholarship for students with learning disabilities.
Now college-- Hampshire College
School started out pretty well
I was in a wheelchair due to surgery on my left foot. I experienced discrimination first hand-- a lot of the buildings did not have ramps nor elevators. Even my own dorm did not have a ramp or elevator (I usally had to hop in or slide in).
I became vocal about my OCD to a man that I liked, and he found it weird, perceived me as a psycho that I had OCD.

Class-- (what all lead up to it).
My second semester of college, I took a course called "African Americans and the Media." One day we had a case asignment, in which we had to read the cases before class. I have trouble reading directions (it was sent via e-mail) which is apart of my learning disability. I thought that she would give us the cases in class. When I told her that I had trouble understanding the directions, she starts to laugh at me in front of whole class (around 20 some students) and exclaims "How can you not understand?!" I find this totally ironic comming from her mouth, a woman who claims that she is tolderant, and open towards fighting racism, discrimination and oppression, yet she had just done an act of discrimination against me!!!
It was ever since this event that I decided to create the Mental Health Awareness/Learning Disability/Disability Rights group. We are advocating for:
*more universal access
*teach people about learning disabilties and the history about it
*educate people about the disability rights movement
*stand up for those being discriminated because of their learning disability or mental illness

we hope to be doing this semester:


*Create a learning disability/physical disability peer mentorship group for
incomming first years and transfer students have a documented learning
disability or physical disability, and get peered up with an uperclassman who
has a similar disability. Smith College has a program like this, and I hope
that Hampshire can remodel a program like this too someday.

*Have a student/faculty panel on Learning Disability/Disability Rights 101--> I
just need to get the list serves for the SS, CS + HACU faculty + staff

**Bring in Disability Rights activist, Simi Linton. She wrote a book called "My
Body Politic." Here is her personal website:
http://www.similinton.com/

*Collaborate with BAAB, about bringing in mentalhealth/disability rights
activists concerning the condition of people with disabilities in prisons--> I
just e-mail Ada the signer-- I have not heard back from her, but here is the
name of the organization that I am interested in bringing in:
http://www.rippd.org/

Accessibility:

*Short Term goals-- to put all officces in the 1st floor of all buildings
*E-mail Joel about Summer assesment
*Fundraise to get an elevator in buildings that are not accessible to get to
(like the 2nd floor--ex: QCA, Women's Health Collaborative, Spiritual Life)),
such as a bake sale, yard sale, raffle (prizes to a local movie theater,
restaurant,etc) etc.

*Find out how much it costs to get an elevator!!!


Other
*Make Disability Services contain a description of all the different kinds of
learning disabilities and physical disabilities, so people know who is
elgible/leaves less ambiguity

So please come join us for our next meeting on Thursday, October 16th, @ 6:30pm in FPH 106!

Love,
Stephanie :)

Today is St. Francis day!

I did not realize but today is Saint Francis day.

Being not brought up in the Christian faith, this is new to me.

I went to the Food Not Bombs meetup in Northampton (we are trying to rally against having panhandeling become illegal in the town, and the shelters will not let them in-- I'll explain more about food not Bombs and how I collaborate in another post).

Anyways, I see a bunch of dogs sitting patiently with their owners in front a Church. Some of the owners were dressed up casually, while others were wearing their church attire.

Most of the dogs were short-- there were a couple of collies, and a very cute,  little pug (his name was Oliver). 

And then there was the priest- he was dressed in a beautiful robe, and had this really beautiful scarf on that you could tell was stiched and handmade. He seemed like a very kind loving man.

 I then saw him bless each and every one of the doggies, reapeating the blessing:

"May God bless you and keep you."

It sounded really beautiful. I felt like crying. It really made me happy to see someone with so much love and compassion towards all humans and people. This is why I have always had such respect for spiritual leaders, since they all have so much love and respect towards all humans and creatures.

Here is some more info about St. Francis:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francis_of_Assisi

"To Sheila" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Twilight fades
Through blistered avalon
The skys cruel torch
On arching autobahn
Into the uncertain divine
We scream into the last divine

You make me real
You make me real
Strong as I feel
You make me real

Sheila rides on crashing nightingale
Intake eyes leave passing vapor trails
With blushing brilliance alive
Because its time to arrive

You make me real
You make me real
Strong as I feel
You make me real

Lately I just cant seem to believe
Discard my friends to change the scenery
It meant the wrold to hold a bruising faith
But now its just a matter of grace

A summer storm graces all of me
Highway warm sing silent poetry
I could bring you the light
And take you home into the night

You make me real
Lately I just cant seem to believe
You make me real
Discard my friends to change the scenery
Strong as I feel
It meant the wrold to hold a bruising faith
You make me real
But now its just a matter of grace

My friend- love and sympathy to protect you from a nasty storm of a world

I ended up living with someone this semester by chance, whom I had no idea that I would befriend, and a great friendship has blossumed from it.
I had never met someone who had such a great outlook on life, despite how many obstacles that they had to go through.
I loved talking with this person-- I felt that I could relate to them more than anyone.
He was able to challenge society, get people to think outside of the box.
He was in a wheelchair and had cerebal palsy.
(I had once been in a wheelchair after breaking my toe 5cm, and ended up getting surgery and having to be in a wheel chair after bed rest.
It was not until I broke my toe and was not as mobile, that I began to realize how evil the world was.
Breaking my toe and being confined to a wheelchair was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I came to realize how important our legs are, and how they are used everyday).

  When I came to Hampshire,  I was in a wheelchair, and I had difficulty getting around campus. I did not realize how the campus was only designed for able bodied people . This got me into disability rights and universal access activism, since I feel not enough people are aware of it, and how it effects everyone.

  It was really great to meet my housemate, since he also shared a passion for disability rights as well. 

He seemed to have this love for people, and was always willing to try to something new. He was at the Muslim students Iftar dinner, and he spoke about his love and passion for Sufism, a philosophical branch of Islam. When he shared his love and passion for this, this made me very happy. It reminded me of things that I am also passionate about, and how our passions radiate a sort of love towards others and humanity.

He never complained about anything, and we have never gotten into an arguement.

We shared so many interesting intellectual conversations.

He was all about challenging society, and how people looked at the world.

One thing that we had frequently talked about was sex and disability. He told me how society gives us the notion that disabled people are not sexual beings. He wanted to challenge that. He wanted people to treat him equally, and prove that he could do anything like everyone else.

I gave him the name of one of my good friends who is in a wheelchair and is writting a  play about people with disabilities and sex. I really supported his ideas, since I think that it is great that we deconstruct society.

He did talk about this frequently with my other house mates, who were all female.

Many felt uncomfortable with him, since they had to help put his shirt on, or they claimed the way he "stared" at them, was in a  "sexual way." I see where they were comming from, but I don't think that he meant it intentionally.

All of the anger in my apartment began to explode one night when we were talking about body shapes. He asked (and I came in late to the conversation and was tired), "why certain girls wear revealing clothing" since it may cause a man's attention. One of my housemates claimed that "you can not say that."  For me, I  said that one of my friends in high school challenged this, and brought up the idea how some very heavy girls would wear revealing clothing in order to break this stereotype. I know that he did not intentionally mean to ask it in a degrading way, but if I were male too, I would ask the same too. He claimed that there are biological things that men can not controll. Instead of shutting him down, I told him that I am interested in how the male mind works-- I want to understand their perspective. I feel that if a man says the wrong thing, then it is considered an offense. I thought that the conversation went well, and it was not until the next night did the girls want to discuss with me about what happened, and how they wanted him to leave, since they felt that he was "sexually harassing them".

 When I asked them about having a mediation (since personally  I feel the only way things can get solved and can we understand where each side is coming from is through mediation), one of them (who was a trained mediator in high school) claimed that " you don't have mediations with people who sexually harass you."

I am standing up for my friend  in a situation in which people wrongly interpreted and accussed him of things that he did not do or mean to do.

   

I have finally figured out who I am-- I am a humanist! :)

So I was reading some articles on the BBC about how Paul McCartney is/came to perform in Israel (I am not sure if he is currently there, but if someone could tell me now, that would be great! :) ). Anyways, I read the article about how his comming to perform in Israel was long awaited, since the Beatles were initially to perform in Israel in 1965, but the Israeli government felt that they would be a "bad influence" towards the Israeli youth. Yet Paul McCartney's visit this time was said to stir some controversies within Pro-Palestinian groups, since they were urging him not to go, due to the illegal occupation and settler activity. It just really angered me that they were trying to prevent him from going, due to the government's violations (However, with that being said, I just wanted to make clear to people that I DO NOT support the illegal occupation, nor the settlers-- nor any sort of violence inflicted on civilians).
But my question is, how is McCartney ever going to know how bad things are? How will continually telling someone not to go will solve anything? From my experience, if people tell you not to do something,it will make them want to do it more (Plus Tel Aviv, where he will be performing is within Israel proper). The only way that people will know how bad things are is by visiting it. The same goes for any other country-- China, Tibet, Turkey, Georgia, etc. 
However, pro-Palestinian groups should encourage McCartney to visit the occupied territories, and perform for the people there (which he did do-- he went to perform in Bethlehem, at the ). 

But there was one quote in the article that really struck out at me, which Mr.McCartney said, which I feel I can relate to myself:

"But the performer - who said he was not "a political animal [but] a humanitarian" - said he "thought it was a good time to come and take a look at the situation"."

Through reading this I have come to realize that politics divide people, and it's about time that I not worry about what others think of me politically, but rather focusing on promoting love and peace, and making sure that I can help all people in need and that I connect with their hearts. 
Politics makes us less open minded, and I don't want to succumb to that. I hate how it causes a dichotomy within the human race.
I see all people and things as good, and refuse to hate anyone anything.
I feel that it is easier to hate than to love, and so I must learn to love. If we have abandoned love how can we expect anything?
If we abandon dailogue, how are we going to expect progression towards peace?
I come to realize that we are all human, and that we all have a heart and a soul.
Let people realize things for themselves, as they discover the world around them.
Thank you Paul McCartney

here are the links about the articles on his trip to Israel:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7636360.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7633013.stm

Cry, Cry, Cry

Well this is my first blog post on here.

I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with all my friends, family and loved ones.

Updates on my life, goals, dreams and actual reality.

Anyways, here is my favorite poem, by my favorite singer/songwriter/musician, Billy Corgan.

The poem has really captured the sad reality of the world, and that is that the world is cold, and it doesn't care.

Every time I read this poem, I feel like crying.
I wish that I still had a heart, but it became abused and raped long ago, deep down the gutter (Because I no longer have a heart).

Much Love,

Stephanie :)

Cry, Cry, Cry," by Billy Corgan

Cry, cry, cry for the brave and her passioned soldiers
Cry for the soul unsheltered from the storm
Cry for me, for I've lost my heart
Cry for yourself, unlucky to have been born
Cry out of anger, but don't cry of despair
For the world doesn't cry
They don't care